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Fatwa CenterHow Should a Husband Deal with a Wife Who Refuses Intimacy?
Question
We have been married for 30 years. There is hardly any intimacy between us for many years now. We only have it when she feels like. usually, she is always either tired or sleepy, thus refusing intimacy. I have tried to talk to her at various occasions, but it did not make a difference. I end up masturbating at times, at times she would let me do it so I could release my tension while she would not get involved at all. Please guide...
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
If your wife stimulates you with her hand or any other part of her body, then this is permissible. However, if you masturbate with your own hand or by similar means, then this is prohibited, and your wife's permission does not make it lawful. Allah, the Exalted, says (what means): {And those who guard their private parts, except from their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for then they are free from blame. But whoever seeks beyond that, then they are the transgressors.} [Qur'an 23:5–7]
Your wife is obliged to respond when you call her to the marital bed, and it is not permissible for her to refuse without a valid excuse.
Marʿī al-Karmī said in Dalīl al-Ṭālib: “The husband has the right to enjoy intimacy with his wife at any time and in whatever manner he wishes, so long as it does not harm her or prevent her from fulfilling her religious obligations.” [End quote.]
You should explain this to your wife and discuss the matter with her in order to understand the reasons for her refusal and work together to address whatever issues may need to be resolved.
If your wife is unable to fulfill your marital needs, then you may marry another wife if you are able to do so.
Until such a solution becomes possible, you should strive to remain chaste by fasting frequently, guarding your hearing and sight, avoiding situations of temptation and anything that arouses desire, occupying your time with beneficial pursuits, seeking Allah's help and protection, and increasing your remembrance of Him and your supplication.
Allah Knows best.
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